Confessions in my last day as an enabler

Not too long ago, I realized my new girlfriend is bulimic. I had some casual suspicion about 6 weeks ago around the Holidays, and confirmed that she was purging many of her meals about 3 weeks ago. Since that time, I've been searching the internet and reading books on the subject, trying to become informed on bulimia...all the while hoping that maybe she just didn't want to gain the typical 5 pounds around this time of year, that each of us struggles with. Maybe, she just wanted to get back to her "normal weight" after going from 120 to 125, and, while I didn't think it was the safest or best way to go about it, it would stop. Of course, it hasn't...

Thus, if I haven't intervened or confronted her with it, I am nothing less than an enabler. I have an acute disdain for enablers, and it is not in my character to be this person. In my opinion, enablers are weak and are far less worthy of sympathy than those that are the afflicted. Whether you are a spouse turning a blind eye to the nightly 12 pack consumed on the couch, a sister ignoring the signs of physical abuse to a sibling or any other person living in denial, make it stop today. TODAY. Its not right that we allow our loved one to kill themselves or be killed/harmed by another. I don't plan to play this role any longer. 20 days is far too much already. I'm through being the enabler.

Don't judge me or her. I am here seeking your help before I confront her. This weekend, she fainted in the airport. Though we didn't discuss it specifically, I know it was primarily due to the fact that she had purged her dinner from the night before, and us not having enough time to grab breakfast before heading out into the nightmare of post-9/11 airport woes. I refuse to stand by or look the other way another day.

Before you give me your feedback, I'll give you a bit of background that may or may not be helpful....For those of you that are in my hood, you know I maintain my anonymity, and its for exactly this type of situation. I can essentially put myself and my life out there...naked for you all to see and judge and comment, without fear of reprisal, direct contact, judgement or confrontation by someone in my "real life". And, today, my friends, I need you. I am physically strong and relatively intelligent and yet I have been crippled by this dilemma....

We've been dating about 4 months now. She's 30 years old and not fond of no longer being "in her twenties". (I thought this was cute, initially, but its obviously symptomatic of her disease....) We were physically attracted to one another first, but I don't think that's necessarily relevant or unique. Over the last few weeks, we've spent more time together. She sleeps at my place about 3-4 nights a week, usually when I don't have my daughter with me overnight. Its been the recent proximity of the relationship that has allowed me to confirm that she is indeed bulimic. She purges her meals about 80% of the time. The ones that she does not purge are typically either small meals or something healthy. Keep in mind that neither of us regularly eat junk like fries or ice cream. Some of you might argue that its dysfunctional just to deny myself fries and ice cream if I really want to eat them. I would argue that I simply don't want to unwind a week's worth of workouts for a single order of artery-clogging Biggie fries. Besides, I will have fries a couple times a month-- I just won't overdo it, you know? We are both admittedly vain and care about our appearances. I know this is the foundation of her bulimia.

We have been working out together lately also. She was a regular at spin class (about 4 times per week) and I, the alternating runner/weight lifter. While it is important to me to look good, it is far more important to me to be healthy. I work out religiously to (hopefully) maintain my level of health through my later years. I have many big dreams and plans for my 50's, 60's and beyond, that I have had since I was a youngin'. I don't want them compromised by my physical inability, and so I work hard today to live life to its fullest tomorrow. Anyway, my point in bringing this facet of our relationship up is my concern that I may have created or at least, contributed to her bulimia.

I know she cares for me deeply. I care for her as well. Its far too early for me to be in love with her, but I do care for her deeply. About a week ago, she told me that she loves me, and that is the twisted crossroads where I now find myself. My elation at her devotion has been tempered by her secret, now gnawing at my own psyche.

She knows it is of significant importance that my partner be physically fit to accompany me for the rest of this life's journey. At this point in my life, I won't compromise that. When it became increasingly difficult for her to commute to her gym (as she began to spend more time at my place-about 45 minutes away) she started to work out with me. While she's been a spinner/cycler, she's never been a runner. Her competitive nature, which I admire, drove her to try to keep up with my workouts, and she became somewhat frustrated, despite the fact that I encouraged her and praised her progress. But, let me make this very clear: I never pushed her to workout more or to try to keep up with me, or to be thin. I've never made any reference to her weight at all. I simply encouraged her progress and her efforts. She was fit before we started dating, and I know she attended both spin and yoga classes regularly. So, did her bulimia start when she could no longer maintain her weight through these channels or was it there all along and I just discovered it??? I guess when she became bulimic is of little importance to the main issue....How should I confront her?

And, then....there is my K.  My beautiful and brilliant K....all of 10 years old: very much in love with my new girlfriend (or perhaps just happy for her Dad) ---I dont know whether to put a ;) or a :) or a :( here ---   But, she is also quite impressionable at 10 going on 16, and I cannot let this disease corrupt her. I won't stand for it. I can't. I'm a father before all else.

I don't want or need a dissertation about how the media or print advertising or men dictate disfunctional behavior in our women. I know the swimsuit model mentality can be dangerous and is usually not attainable nor in the best interest of women. The "perfect woman" has been fabricated by Hollywood or clothing designers or some other capitalist society money maker. I know this and I don't care to delve into the depths of this topic now. What I need is advice and guidance.

How do I assist her without potentially jeopardizing our relationship? Can I do so? She's sick and bulimia is a disease. With it, frequently comes denial...no different than a drug addict or alcoholic. If I intervene and she leaves me, due to embarassment or denial or shame, have I done enough? How do I see it through to knowing she will be done with it if she leaves me? Do any of you have personal experience? I'd encourage you to PM me, if you don't care to bare your soul in the comments. I am concerned for her well being first, and our relationship second. She's an amazing young woman with a very bright future. I need to save her from herself. Help me do it...