My Tux Sux
I was reading this post over at my friend, IG's place. It reminded me of a dark and hidden secret, buried deep within the confines of this man's non-metaphoric closet....
About ten years ago, I attended my most recent wedding. Yes, 10 years ago. Since then, it has, as IG pointed out, been all funerals. The last wedding I attended was in 1998. It was the nuptials of one of the groomsmen in my own ill-fated wedding, and...the seventh wedding I had attended in 15 months. From August 1996 to January of 1998, I attended no less than seven weddings. SEVEN. Sure, it was 10 years ago and my feeble, middle-aged mind is prone to errors these days--especially when it comes to dates and numbers. How am I so sure I attended seven weddings in such a short time? Couldn't it have been four or five weddings??? No. Here's how I know it was seven:
After the SEVENTH wedding in 15 months, I finally got tired of spending $80-$125 on the rental of a tuxedo. I began shopping for a tux to own, figuring it to be a good investment. Ten years ago, tuxedos were selling for mmmm maybe $300 to a little less than $1000. Not being one to ever shy away from a prudent investment, and always believing that you get what you pay for, I shelled out $820.55 for my custom-tailored, designer label tuxedo in 1998. That's close to $1500 in "today's dollars", my friends. The receipt was still in the left breast pocket, placed there the last day I wore that tuxedo...
By the way, it was the same day that I took it home to try it on for the first (and last) time. (I thought about wearing it to a funeral a couple of years ago, but thought it might be in poor taste... :P )
So, last month, after 10 years....I was finally invited to another wedding. I almost forgot that I even had a tuxedo! I proudly pulled it from the dark depths of my closet, where it had been pushed around on the rung--left and right, side to side-- for ten years. My hand shook as I slowly, carefully removed it from its protective garment bag; a complimentary gift from the oh-so-generous and grateful tux shop owner. I glanced at the label on the cover...It had the shop name, the shop owner's name, and the phone number to the tux shop. There was no area code in front of the first seven numbers....Did I mention how long ago I bought this infernal enviable piece of Saturday afternoon in June garb to wear while sweating profusely and trying to drink the price of my wedding gift in vodka and rum fashion?? Well, it was TEN effin years ago, mm k?
I wasn't overly concerned about the fit. I can proudly say that my vanity has served me well. I can still fit into my Navy Choker White uniform
and flight suits from 15 years ago, so how could this, from a mere ten years ago, not fit? Still, after so long, will it serve me well after sitting idle in the recesses of my closet? There it sat, among the 3/4 sleeve Aerosmith Nine Lives Tour, Oasis USA Tour concert shirts and Atlanta Olympics souvenirs....FOR TEN YEARS.
I carefully pulled the pants on, one leg at a time and held my breath as I fastened the clasp at the waist. Meh....a little tight, but not uncomfortably so, by any stretch (haha). 31 inch waist then, 32 now. Not bad... Next, a crisp white tux shirt...never worn and crying out to be christened on an impromtu dance floor..."Ce - le - brate - good - times, come on!" Then, the cummerbund--underused and overstated in even the most formal of functions, then and now!
Completing the ensemble (there's really no other word for it....) the bowtie, and finally: the jacket. As I placed my right arm in, I felt the cool fibers of the silk, lining the inside of the sleeve. They let out a collective cheer, knowing it was just a matter of a few short weeks until their function would finally be fulfilled...fashionably housing the biceps beneath, as I display my white man's disease to "We are Fam - i - ly"... c'mon. You know you want to dance with me...
I slipped my left arm in its sleeve, and rolled my shoulders to ensure ample space for "dance movement". I wryly smiled at my fortune, and glanced at myself in the mirror. What a stud I am! Still got it! I playfully flexed a couple of times and winked at myself. With The Macarena booming in my head, somewhere in the depths of my mind...almost as deeply hidden as the long forgotten tux in my closet, I danced around ineptly, but happily. I looked in the mirror again, making sure the fit and look were good after a ten year slumber. It was. Joy! Oh, the satisfaction at a successful $800 investment made so many years ago! .... The ego-pump of fitting in this custom made tuxedo made for my 30 year old body!!!
As my jubilation slowly waned, I took one last glance in the mirror ---We Are the Champions resounding triumphantly in my mind. I raised my arms in celebration, and......
promptly ripped both sleeves out at the shoulder....
...
oh, you mutha eff....Wait...
...
...
...
Wahoo! Apparently my deltoids are bigger today than they were ten years ago!!!
Comments
My wedding invites have picked up in the last 2 years. I just realized why. I not only missed being a bride in the first round, when all of my friends and I were in our 20's, but apparently, I am also missing the 2nd wedding round, where divorced friends and family have found another "love of a lifetime". Whatever.
Anyway, Crush. I think only a man can rejoice in the fact that a $1500 (in today's dollars) ensemble would be destroyed because a body part, any body part, was larger today than it was 10 years ago. I'm happy for your delts, but oh so sad for your lonely tux. It's kind of like Pinocchio, or The Velveteen Rabbit. It just needed a chance to get out and prove itself so that it could become a real suit, or win the love of a bridesmaid and now you've dashed its hopes to the ground.
OMG! I enjoyed this very much! And the comments from your friends - how creative and funny you all are!
Maybe it's possible to step out on a fashion limb and wear that tux anyway - a new sleeve-less version to show off your newly improved guns!
And yes, I want to dance with you at the wedding after trying to drink the price of my wedding gift in vodka and rum