6 posts tagged “love”
I'm near the end of my rope. It's the same rope I've used to throw you a lifeline, and I can cast and reel it no longer. I've poured my time, effort, heart and soul into helping make you well. I've put my life on hold for you; for us. My career has suffered, my family and other relationships have suffered, and now, my own health is in jeopardy in attempting to save you from yourself.
My energy is waning; the light of my hopes for you and for us, dim. I can't help you if you won't help yourself. I'm weary of this fight.
Faint visions of what might have been...
A dream of loving bliss; one we all share,
perhaps fortunate enough to have been fulfilled.
Within the grasp of a withered hand,
fingers grotesquely gnarled,
scars of hope carved into your palm,
smooth from the repetition of your pain;
I am crucified in your battle,
yet you are the martyr.
We die as one,
dignity,
none
Not too long ago, I realized my new girlfriend is bulimic. I had some casual suspicion about 6 weeks ago around the Holidays, and confirmed that she was purging many of her meals about 3 weeks ago. Since that time, I've been searching the internet and reading books on the subject, trying to become informed on bulimia...all the while hoping that maybe she just didn't want to gain the typical 5 pounds around this time of year, that each of us struggles with. Maybe, she just wanted to get back to her "normal weight" after going from 120 to 125, and, while I didn't think it was the safest or best way to go about it, it would stop. Of course, it hasn't...
Thus, if I haven't intervened or confronted her with it, I am nothing less than an enabler. I have an acute disdain for enablers, and it is not in my character to be this person. In my opinion, enablers are weak and are far less worthy of sympathy than those that are the afflicted. Whether you are a spouse turning a blind eye to the nightly 12 pack consumed on the couch, a sister ignoring the signs of physical abuse to a sibling or any other person living in denial, make it stop today. TODAY. Its not right that we allow our loved one to kill themselves or be killed/harmed by another. I don't plan to play this role any longer. 20 days is far too much already. I'm through being the enabler.
Don't judge me or her. I am here seeking your help before I confront her. This weekend, she fainted in the airport. Though we didn't discuss it specifically, I know it was primarily due to the fact that she had purged her dinner from the night before, and us not having enough time to grab breakfast before heading out into the nightmare of post-9/11 airport woes. I refuse to stand by or look the other way another day.
Before you give me your feedback, I'll give you a bit of background that may or may not be helpful....For those of you that are in my hood, you know I maintain my anonymity, and its for exactly this type of situation. I can essentially put myself and my life out there...naked for you all to see and judge and comment, without fear of reprisal, direct contact, judgement or confrontation by someone in my "real life". And, today, my friends, I need you. I am physically strong and relatively intelligent and yet I have been crippled by this dilemma....
We've been dating about 4 months now. She's 30 years old and not fond of no longer being "in her twenties". (I thought this was cute, initially, but its obviously symptomatic of her disease....) We were physically attracted to one another first, but I don't think that's necessarily relevant or unique. Over the last few weeks, we've spent more time together. She sleeps at my place about 3-4 nights a week, usually when I don't have my daughter with me overnight. Its been the recent proximity of the relationship that has allowed me to confirm that she is indeed bulimic. She purges her meals about 80% of the time. The ones that she does not purge are typically either small meals or something healthy. Keep in mind that neither of us regularly eat junk like fries or ice cream. Some of you might argue that its dysfunctional just to deny myself fries and ice cream if I really want to eat them. I would argue that I simply don't want to unwind a week's worth of workouts for a single order of artery-clogging Biggie fries. Besides, I will have fries a couple times a month-- I just won't overdo it, you know? We are both admittedly vain and care about our appearances. I know this is the foundation of her bulimia.
We have been working out together lately also. She was a regular at spin class (about 4 times per week) and I, the alternating runner/weight lifter. While it is important to me to look good, it is far more important to me to be healthy. I work out religiously to (hopefully) maintain my level of health through my later years. I have many big dreams and plans for my 50's, 60's and beyond, that I have had since I was a youngin'. I don't want them compromised by my physical inability, and so I work hard today to live life to its fullest tomorrow. Anyway, my point in bringing this facet of our relationship up is my concern that I may have created or at least, contributed to her bulimia.
I know she cares for me deeply. I care for her as well. Its far too early for me to be in love with her, but I do care for her deeply. About a week ago, she told me that she loves me, and that is the twisted crossroads where I now find myself. My elation at her devotion has been tempered by her secret, now gnawing at my own psyche.
She knows it is of significant importance that my partner be physically fit to accompany me for the rest of this life's journey. At this point in my life, I won't compromise that. When it became increasingly difficult for her to commute to her gym (as she began to spend more time at my place-about 45 minutes away) she started to work out with me. While she's been a spinner/cycler, she's never been a runner. Her competitive nature, which I admire, drove her to try to keep up with my workouts, and she became somewhat frustrated, despite the fact that I encouraged her and praised her progress. But, let me make this very clear: I never pushed her to workout more or to try to keep up with me, or to be thin. I've never made any reference to her weight at all. I simply encouraged her progress and her efforts. She was fit before we started dating, and I know she attended both spin and yoga classes regularly. So, did her bulimia start when she could no longer maintain her weight through these channels or was it there all along and I just discovered it??? I guess when she became bulimic is of little importance to the main issue....How should I confront her?
And, then....there is my K. My beautiful and brilliant K....all of 10 years old: very much in love with my new girlfriend (or perhaps just happy for her Dad) ---I dont know whether to put a ;) or a :) or a :( here --- But, she is also quite impressionable at 10 going on 16, and I cannot let this disease corrupt her. I won't stand for it. I can't. I'm a father before all else.
I don't want or need a dissertation about how the media or print advertising or men dictate disfunctional behavior in our women. I know the swimsuit model mentality can be dangerous and is usually not attainable nor in the best interest of women. The "perfect woman" has been fabricated by Hollywood or clothing designers or some other capitalist society money maker. I know this and I don't care to delve into the depths of this topic now. What I need is advice and guidance.
How do I assist her without potentially jeopardizing our relationship? Can I do so? She's sick and bulimia is a disease. With it, frequently comes denial...no different than a drug addict or alcoholic. If I intervene and she leaves me, due to embarassment or denial or shame, have I done enough? How do I see it through to knowing she will be done with it if she leaves me? Do any of you have personal experience? I'd encourage you to PM me, if you don't care to bare your soul in the comments. I am concerned for her well being first, and our relationship second. She's an amazing young woman with a very bright future. I need to save her from herself. Help me do it...
With the onset of Valentine's 2008, I remembered having posted a VDay rumination last year on Vox. This year, I find myself in a relatively new relationship. I still feel the same way about Valentine's Day this year though, as I did last, as a "single person". After my intial curiousity about whether or not my feelings about VDay would be different this year were satisfied, I was amazed at the number of Voxers who had commented on my 2007 post, and how few are still on Vox. And, in fact, two of the four couples I cited as having "once in a lifetime loves" are no longer with their partners. I point this out only because it is so amazing to me how quickly life can change. Yaya is now with Nick, the new love of her life and, well... I don't need to mention Jenn and her new love. She's made it very clear to her hood how happy she is!!! And, I am happy for them too. Love is an amazing thing. While I don't consider myself to be in love just yet, I will tell my new girlfriend how I feel about her, but I won't wait til tomorrow. I'll tell her today and I'll tell her on Feb 15th too....Life is too fragile to not look around and appreciate what/who you have, except on fabricated holidays.
Be well all, and Happy Valentine's Day.
In case it wasn't clear, my 2007 post is below....seems I was much more prolific back then. Oh well...
A Single Man's Lament
February 14. Ha! Its just a day, like any other. I've been there like most of you---the $95 rose-dozen, the frenetic trips to the card store, the list of "don't forgets"....While we can probably ALL agree that the commercialism of Valentine's Day leaves much to be desired, there is something to be said for this day. It does force one to reflect on the validity or foundation of their current relationships. I'm not posting this to argue the "point" of Valentine's Day.....I am a believer in the Valentine's spirit of a relationship, and that EVERY day should be Valentine's if you truly love someone....Why should today be the ONLY day you send flowers, you send a card, you take her out to dinner, you treat her nice, etc etc??? That's the silly part, in my opinion.....
Anyway, I'm not pining away for a woman, wishing for a relationship today. After all, I've chosen to be single for the moment, anyway. I'm comfortable in my singledom, as I have been for several years. I'm even O K with the new acquaintance that thought I was gay, simply because I didn't bring a date to the recent Holiday Ball. (Am I soooooo good looking that you assume I'm gay dumbass??? Let me take your hot little girlfriend for a spin and we'll see if you still think I'm gay! Bet she won't.....:) <----joking....take it easy.....I know its Valentine's Day!)
Have we become so desperate for companionship that we simply jump from relationship to relationship, intent on making the next one a longer term than the last? I'm speaking in generalities, of course, but.....look around you. Aren't the majority of your circle of friends either unhappy or unfulfilled in their existing relationships? Mine are, so I will speak for myself, mmmmkay? Why do they stay together? Insecurity is undoubtedly the root of most rationale, but I just can't justify dating someone for the sake of dating. Do we despise ourselves so much that we can't stand to be with ourselves?
Solitude is not frightening, at least for me. I like myself. I'm confident and strong enough to realize that just because I'm alone does not mean that I am not worthy of a relationship. Quite the contrary, actually.....
Still, I do crave the comfort, the urgency, the anticipation, the passion and desire of the mutually satisfying love. (sex post some other time, I promise....) This love cannot be created. You either have it or you don't. I think my Vox hood that does possess this---Dom and Jenn, Jess and Abram, Yaya and Chuck, Austin and the famous LSCB (please dont be offended if I left someone out)---would agree that true, pure, enduring love cannot be created. So, as I sit here, perfectly content, yet diametrically eager for the next Valentine's Day, I toast those that have it, and know they have it. Hold on to it and don't take it for granted for even one second. Its as rare and precious as a diamond, and far more valuable. So, tomorrow, on February 15, tell them that you love them and how much they mean to you. Drop them a note about how special they are and how empty your life would be without them...... Send them flowers...........YEAH, AGAIN ya cheapskate !!!! I bet it costs like half of what it cost you today anyway, Romeo. And, it will mean at least twice as much! I would shower all of those things on my love tomorrow---February 15---the day AFTER Valentine's Day; but I'm content in my singledom, remember? ;)
Fine print epilogue: this post was primarily intended to convince myself that I AM content in being single, even though I am. (huh? what what what?)
By the way, I slept with the dumbass' girlfriend after they broke up in December, and she is still calling me for some more of the Crushlove! But alas, love was not to be found in her arms. She still managed to round up a last minute relationship in time for V Day though. God forbid she be alone on THIS day!
To me, this picture is more than a destroyed highway. Its any path, violently altered by forces beyond our control, much like our lives, loves, dreams can be. Do you think the person in the car near the top of the photo had any idea that their day would involve an earthquake, and a slice of road dangerously close to falling off a precipice?
February 14. Ha! Its just a day, like any other. I've been there like most of you---the $95 rose-dozen, the frenetic trips to the card store, the list of "don't forgets"....While we can probably ALL agree that the commercialism of Valentine's Day leaves much to be desired, there is something to be said for this day. It does force one to reflect on the validity or foundation of their current relationships. I'm not posting this to argue the "point" of Valentine's Day.....I am a believer in the Valentine's spirit of a relationship, and that EVERY day should be Valentine's if you truly love someone....Why should today be the ONLY day you send flowers, you send a card, you take her out to dinner, you treat her nice, etc etc??? That's the silly part, in my opinion.....
Anyway, I'm not pining away for a woman, wishing for a relationship today. After all, I've chosen to be single for the moment, anyway. I'm comfortable in my singledom, as I have been for several years. I'm even O K with the new acquaintance that thought I was gay, simply because I didn't bring a date to the recent Holiday Ball. (Am I soooooo good looking that you assume I'm gay dumbass??? Let me take your hot little girlfriend for a spin and we'll see if you still think I'm gay! Bet she won't.....:) <----joking....take it easy.....I know its Valentine's Day!)
Have we become so desperate for companionship that we simply jump from relationship to relationship, intent on making the next one a longer term than the last? I'm speaking in generalities, of course, but.....look around you. Aren't the majority of your circle of friends either unhappy or unfulfilled in their existing relationships? Mine are, so I will speak for myself, mmmmkay? Why do they stay together? Insecurity is undoubtedly the root of most rationale, but I just can't justify dating someone for the sake of dating. Do we despise ourselves so much that we can't stand to be with ourselves?
Solitude is not frightening, at least for me. I like myself. I'm confident and strong enough to realize that just because I'm alone does not mean that I am not worthy of a relationship. Quite the contrary, actually.....
Still, I do crave the comfort, the urgency, the anticipation, the passion and desire of the mutually satisfying love. (sex post some other time, I promise....) This love cannot be created. You either have it or you don't. I think my Vox hood that does possess this---Dom and Jenn, Jess and Abram, Yaya and Chuck, Austin and the famous LSCB (please dont be offended if I left someone out)---would agree that true, pure, enduring love cannot be created. So, as I sit here, perfectly content, yet diametrically eager for the next Valentine's Day, I toast those that have it, and know they have it. Hold on to it and don't take it for granted for even one second. Its as rare and precious as a diamond, and far more valuable. So, tomorrow, on February 15, tell them that you love them and how much they mean to you. Drop them a note about how special they are and how empty your life would be without them...... Send them flowers...........YEAH, AGAIN ya cheapskate !!!! I bet it costs like half of what it cost you today anyway, Romeo. And, it will mean at least twice as much! I would shower all of those things on my love tomorrow---February 15---the day AFTER Valentine's Day; but I'm content in my singledom, remember? ;)
Fine print epilogue: this post was primarily intended to convince myself that I AM content in being single, even though I am. (huh? what what what?)
By the way, I slept with the dumbass' girlfriend after they broke up in December, and she is still calling me for some more of the Crushlove! Gay, indeed! ;) But alas, love was not to be found in her arms. She still managed to round up a last minute relationship in time for V Day though. God forbid she be alone on THIS day!
What is one of your addictions?
Submitted by Paperheart.
I'm new to this whole blog thing. In fact, this is my very first post. It seems to me that the best bloggers are honest--often to the point that would offend some. So, here's some honesty (albeit incognito) for you all: I'm about to admit to something that I'd never admit in my real, non-blog life. And, I'm not comfortable enough with blogging yet to post actual pictures of myself or give away any identifying things about me. So, under a cloak of anonymity, here goes:
I'm addicted to ecstacy. X. XTC. Rolling. Not physically, at least I don't think so. I'm too rational and mundane to believe it a physical addiciton if I have the ability to consciously limit myself to only one ecstacy "episode" every 6-8 weeks or more. Or, perhaps that does qualify it as a physical addiction, because I want to do it more often. I don't because I care too much about my body, my self and the potential dangers (which can be argued in some other forum....) What I am addicted to is the incredible feeling and heightened sexuality ecstacy brings. If you've done it, you know. If not, you don't.
Until a few years ago, I didn't know. I thought it was a kid's drug that only ravers and younger people did. I'm not so young. I don't consider myself old, but I'm certainly not your stereotypical ecstacy taker. I've got a great, but stuffy job. I make a great living, work out 7 days a week and recently ran a marathon in under 4 hours. If anyone in my life thought I did ecstacy, they would laugh in disbelief.
Anyway, I don't usually club, as most 'droppers' do. I like to take ecstacy and channel the energy into a night of lovemaking with a trusted partner. I've never done it in public. I've heard it said that the physical effects make it difficult for men to have sex, but its an exceptional aphrodisiac for women. I haven't found it to ever be a deterrent for me! Actually, its been quite the opposite. While I consider myself a generous and conscientious lover (no woman has ever complained....I tend to care more about her pleasure than my own), ecstacy allows me to break down physchological barriers that otherwise could exist, depending on your partner of course. The feeling is absolutely incredible. If taken in the proper dosing, one is absolutely lucid and capable of rational thought. I find myself wanting to express the emotions of love and desire in a physical manner that only ecstacy takers are aware of. It is almost indescribable.
I am not advocating drugs in any way. This is not for everyone. Society is too irresponsible to allow drugs like this to be legal. Inevitably, there would be abuse, and health/dependency issues. Ecstacy was legal and used for psychiatric purposes until the 1970's. I might argue that alcohol, a legal mind alterer, is far more devastating and addictive. From the point of view of this usually responsible and trusted member of society, its one of nature's greatest thrill rides.
I don't know if I'd be so bold as to suggest ecstacy on an initial sexual encounter, but then again, why not? So, any other not-so-typical ecstacy fans/addicts out there???
Comments
Good for you! I honestly can't remember the last time I was single. It's not that I ever stuck around with someone because I didn't want to be alone, I just had a waiting list. Back in the day. ;)
Besides, like I've said before, feeling alone when with someone is much worse than just being alone. Not too mention a much bigger waste of time and heart.
And I want a sex post now! Damn it.
anyway happy valentine's day!
I was too busy finalizing the details of my divorce today to worry about the hallmark holiday and to lament the non-existance of current love... or even the mourn the loss of past love. It was just another day for me (however I did wear red... but I wear red damn near everyday, so that means nothing).
I like your stand on it though... and even more... I love the fine print :)
thank you for validating my 4-month-relationship policy. It is not a policy I intentionally created; it just so happens that around month cuatro I begin to see the light and realize mr. right is mr. dumbass. Thus I am hurdled into a another year of "just hops". I love my independence. It's so flippin easy and fun to be alone (if you know how to spoil yourself). but you still get lonely. you just learn to deal.
on the other hand, maybe I just get lazy. I've heard relationships involve work. Is that true?
btw - who is the dumbass's girlfriend? haven't heard about that one yet...
I like the way you think.
And for "hops" - it's true - relationships worth working for are, in my experience, the only ones worth keeping. If after 4 months your guy looks like a huge dumb-ass to you, that relationship is probably not worth the work it would require to keep it going. It has to be mutual and the work might be painful, but the rewards are incredible!
Thanks, again, Crush.
Big love,
Lara (and I'm directing Jonny to read your post!)
You cannot send the flowers on February 15 without looking like you were holding out for the "Day After Valentine's Day Clearance Sale" on half-dead roses. Get real - we women are not that stupid. However, if you wait for a decent interval - say, daffodils in March, or a nice blooming hyacinth - or jump the gun and send flowers on January 15, you're good to go. You're absolutely right, because not every other girl at the office will have a big bouquet of obligatory floral devotion developed to her cube at the same time. (Okay, so my husband handed me an armload of red roses even before I woke up, and served me "breakfast in bed" - chocolate-covered strawberries from Godiva - before heading off to work. It was lovely. BUT... our "date night" is this Friday, when we can stay out late without worrying about work the next day, and can simply enjoy each other's company without all the frenzy of booking a table on THE BIG V-DAY! Eeek!)
Yeah. Of course, we've been married almost 23 years now. If every day weren't Valentine's Day, and he tried to pull the whole flowers-and-candy-and-cards-and-lovey-dovey thing just ONE DAY A YEAR, I'd suspect something and probably punch him in the gut and stomp on his cardboard candy heart. Then again... we've got that "cannot be created" kind of love. I'd never stomp on his heart. ;)
Holly,
I clearly said flowers on V Day AND Feb 15th! That was my whole point! The $95 roses come with the territory. The true spirit of V Day is the OTHER 364 days, right?
So... yeah... it's nice to hear a guy's perspective, not only on V-day schmaltziness but also on the singledom aspect. At the risk of totally offending my dear Crush, this reminded me of a male Carrie Bradshaw piece (and I mean that in the best way possible).
See?!?
And THERE is a real manly man - Chris Noth as 'BIG'. Sophisticated, well-groomed, yet very masculine in every way. Mmm hmmm. Sweet dreams for me tonight.
If you really want to impress a woman on a special day... any day... prepare a nice meal with candlelight. Put on some beautiful music, take her in your arms, hold her close, dance slowly while whispering softly what she means to you. Forget the $95... forget the perfect roses... forget the cheesy card... forget the extravagant meal. Keep it simple and from the heart.
awww...thanks so much for including us in your post!
the grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? I don't even know what it's like to be single!
hope you had a great valentines day otherwise but i agree with you, it's such a hallmark holiday.
I know I am VERY belated ~~ but just getting back into the swing of blogging!
I LOVED your post! I agree with you whole-heartedly! I want companionship and sex but I NEED to be alone most of the time! I like, trust and know myself. A dear friend once told me -- "It's better to be single and wish you were married than to be married and wish you were single." (or attached in another way besides actually being married - but you get the point)
I like that there's such a thing as Friends with Benefits these days! When I was in my 20's that wasn't an option so "good girls" were either married, in a committed relationship or celibate. (while their other half was most likely poking around the "naughty girls")
Ah...to know what I know now back then....