2 posts tagged “marque”
As my one year Voxiversary approaches, I'm amazed at how quickly the year has passed. I've still got a couple of weeks before my actual one year mark, but with the recent Thanksgiving holiday and upcoming Christmas season, I'm feeling both introspective and retrospective.
I briefly glanced back at a few of my early posts--my first being about ecstacy (HDMA) and how I was 20 years older than the average x-dropper. I still find myself yearning to "roll" with a willing female partner, but apparently I've outgrown the x-demographic. I hadn't done ecstacy in 2-3 months prior to my very first Vox post, when I wrote about it in Dec 2006, and I still haven't, now some 12 months later. Its not from lack of desire to roll. (for those that might not be familiar w the lingo...thanks, Jay... rolling is just the verb associated with taking X. I suppose its somewhat descriptive, pertaining to the waves of intense physical rush/emotion/feeling that come and go.) I just don't travel in those circles, or meet ravers in my everyday life as a white collar guy and a loving, involved, devoted father who is more likely to attend a PTA meeting than a house rave. Weird, huh? If you're new to my Vox, please save your anti drug speech...I'm the type of person that will spend 3 months researching a drug before I spend one hour "enjoying" it. I am also keenly aware that my life is rewarding and satisfying enough that I don't need mind altering drugs to feel good about myself or my life.
One constant throughout the last year, has been my desire for continued anonymity. My clients and most relatives have no idea that I am the intensely sexual, rock n roll, pseudo-bohemian that I am. On the surface, I'm an active, fit, conservative (apolitically), together person that cares deeply for his family, country, community and environment. Make no mistake. I am those things. But, I can't imagine them knowing, or even considering that I listen to Lynyrd Skynryd, the Violent Femmes, the Killers et al; that I like to handcuff my blindfolded partner to the bedposts and eat her hoohaa until the sun comes up, or that I will smoke pot every now and again. I intend to keep it that way into my second Voxiversary and beyond. I'm a private person in real life, and it translates well onto Vox. Its pissed a handful of people off, as they assume I am hiding something or not who I say I am. In this day and age, I understand that. But does it make me a bad person to share those things with all of you Voxers, and hide it in real life? I don't think so. I know how judgemental people are, and so do you...I simply prefer not to deal with their judgementality.
After a month or two as a new Voxer, though, I began to let a handful of people into my "circle of trust". (That sounds so innane...) I let my guard down with a few people I felt a connection with. Some of them didn't work out too well. One or two I would chalk up to living and learning. A select few, I continue to call my friends. Granted, we may never meet, except in this crazy electron-based world that I am still not entirely comfortable with, but you know my name...you may even know what I look like. And, for one or two of you (you know who you are) I would literally give you the shirt off my back and feel you'd do the same for me.
As from the start, I try to keep my 'hood to a single page or perhaps two. I don't have the time or inclination to keep up with every detail of your lives. I'm sorry if that sounds cold, but most days I can't even manage the minutia of my own life, so how can I read about yours? Crucify me if you must. I guess that makes me a pretty crappy Vox neighbor, but I comment only when I feel that I have something beneficial, profound or witty to add to the conversation, much as I do in real life. And, I know what I have to say isn't always profound or witty, even though I may believe it is!
Nowadays, I find my posts to be far less creative and thoughtful than in the beginning. Perhaps I am posting for the sake of posting...something I said I would never do. I wrote a handful of verse--what might be considered poetry in the broad definition (VERY broad) in the early Vox days. It surprised me, as I have been more familiar with picking up a 60 pound dumbbell than a fountain pen. I also wrote a couple of expository entries. Now, it seems I've skewed my "average" post to some tidbit of pop culture. That, in and of itself, is quite fascinating to me, as I have a sincere disdain for most things deemed "popular". Not simply because they are popular, but because most people seem more interested in other's lives than their own. That will never be me. I make memories through my own human experience. And, my day will be just fine without knowing that J-Ho and Mark Anthony are having a baby...(and, yet, somehow, I DO know....DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!)
So, I feel a bit of remorse as I write this today. Where has my creativity gone? (Did I ever truly possess it?) What has become of the skeletons on my neighborhood list? Where did you go to Solitary, Wender Crinklebank and the lovely, but hopelessly self-absorbed Denise? And, then, there was Marque. She was the fiery ball of love and emotion that taught me it was not only ok to (((hug))) someone, but it frequently had a tangible effect on that person. I miss her bipolar rants and blatantly gratuitous sexual posts. Her Vox was always an experience...
My Vox? Well, it has been an experience too....Mine. I hope you've found something here--be it laughter, knowledge, wisdom (doubtful) or insight. But, if you haven't, that's ok. This Vox is for me and this past year has been strange and painful and wonderful and surprising and gratifying, all at the same time....just like MY life.
Sometime tomorrow, ideally around sunrise, you should go to the lighthouse. Your lighthouse. The one you have gone to again and again to forget. Exorcise one last symbolic demon there, and let it all go. Make the lighthouse your place, anew. Recapture it. Let yourself breathe, and just be.... rather than to forget or escape. Dawn will bring a new Marque.....much the same as the old one in many ways, but so very different. Let the lighthouse show you the way to the self you know exists--perhaps dimmed and blotted for some 13 years, but she's there. You know it. Underneath is the Marque that is worthy of (no.....DESERVING of ) love requited.....love in return tenfold of the love selflessly poured out for so long..... Take it back. Make the spot your spot again, but the light now symbolizing a new path. One lit only by your radiance, and not by your pain. There it is. The lighthouse stands tall....showing you the way through the fog of painful nights to come....the salt of the sea mixing with the salt of your tears, but falling to the earth to make a pillar in the sand.....Strong. New. Undefeatable. Worthy. xoxo
