8 posts tagged “sex”
I was reading this post over at my friend, IG's place. It reminded me of a dark and hidden secret, buried deep within the confines of this man's non-metaphoric closet....
About ten years ago, I attended my most recent wedding. Yes, 10 years ago. Since then, it has, as IG pointed out, been all funerals. The last wedding I attended was in 1998. It was the nuptials of one of the groomsmen in my own ill-fated wedding, and...the seventh wedding I had attended in 15 months. From August 1996 to January of 1998, I attended no less than seven weddings. SEVEN. Sure, it was 10 years ago and my feeble, middle-aged mind is prone to errors these days--especially when it comes to dates and numbers. How am I so sure I attended seven weddings in such a short time? Couldn't it have been four or five weddings??? No. Here's how I know it was seven:
After the SEVENTH wedding in 15 months, I finally got tired of spending $80-$125 on the rental of a tuxedo. I began shopping for a tux to own, figuring it to be a good investment. Ten years ago, tuxedos were selling for mmmm maybe $300 to a little less than $1000. Not being one to ever shy away from a prudent investment, and always believing that you get what you pay for, I shelled out $820.55 for my custom-tailored, designer label tuxedo in 1998. That's close to $1500 in "today's dollars", my friends. The receipt was still in the left breast pocket, placed there the last day I wore that tuxedo...
By the way, it was the same day that I took it home to try it on for the first (and last) time. (I thought about wearing it to a funeral a couple of years ago, but thought it might be in poor taste... :P )
So, last month, after 10 years....I was finally invited to another wedding. I almost forgot that I even had a tuxedo! I proudly pulled it from the dark depths of my closet, where it had been pushed around on the rung--left and right, side to side-- for ten years. My hand shook as I slowly, carefully removed it from its protective garment bag; a complimentary gift from the oh-so-generous and grateful tux shop owner. I glanced at the label on the cover...It had the shop name, the shop owner's name, and the phone number to the tux shop. There was no area code in front of the first seven numbers....Did I mention how long ago I bought this infernal enviable piece of Saturday afternoon in June garb to wear while sweating profusely and trying to drink the price of my wedding gift in vodka and rum fashion?? Well, it was TEN effin years ago, mm k?
I wasn't overly concerned about the fit. I can proudly say that my vanity has served me well. I can still fit into my Navy Choker White uniform
and flight suits from 15 years ago, so how could this, from a mere ten years ago, not fit? Still, after so long, will it serve me well after sitting idle in the recesses of my closet? There it sat, among the 3/4 sleeve Aerosmith Nine Lives Tour, Oasis USA Tour concert shirts and Atlanta Olympics souvenirs....FOR TEN YEARS.
I carefully pulled the pants on, one leg at a time and held my breath as I fastened the clasp at the waist. Meh....a little tight, but not uncomfortably so, by any stretch (haha). 31 inch waist then, 32 now. Not bad... Next, a crisp white tux shirt...never worn and crying out to be christened on an impromtu dance floor..."Ce - le - brate - good - times, come on!" Then, the cummerbund--underused and overstated in even the most formal of functions, then and now!
Completing the ensemble (there's really no other word for it....) the bowtie, and finally: the jacket. As I placed my right arm in, I felt the cool fibers of the silk, lining the inside of the sleeve. They let out a collective cheer, knowing it was just a matter of a few short weeks until their function would finally be fulfilled...fashionably housing the biceps beneath, as I display my white man's disease to "We are Fam - i - ly"... c'mon. You know you want to dance with me...
I slipped my left arm in its sleeve, and rolled my shoulders to ensure ample space for "dance movement". I wryly smiled at my fortune, and glanced at myself in the mirror. What a stud I am! Still got it! I playfully flexed a couple of times and winked at myself. With The Macarena booming in my head, somewhere in the depths of my mind...almost as deeply hidden as the long forgotten tux in my closet, I danced around ineptly, but happily. I looked in the mirror again, making sure the fit and look were good after a ten year slumber. It was. Joy! Oh, the satisfaction at a successful $800 investment made so many years ago! .... The ego-pump of fitting in this custom made tuxedo made for my 30 year old body!!!
As my jubilation slowly waned, I took one last glance in the mirror ---We Are the Champions resounding triumphantly in my mind. I raised my arms in celebration, and......
promptly ripped both sleeves out at the shoulder....
...
oh, you mutha eff....Wait...
...
...
...
Wahoo! Apparently my deltoids are bigger today than they were ten years ago!!!
With the onset of Valentine's 2008, I remembered having posted a VDay rumination last year on Vox. This year, I find myself in a relatively new relationship. I still feel the same way about Valentine's Day this year though, as I did last, as a "single person". After my intial curiousity about whether or not my feelings about VDay would be different this year were satisfied, I was amazed at the number of Voxers who had commented on my 2007 post, and how few are still on Vox. And, in fact, two of the four couples I cited as having "once in a lifetime loves" are no longer with their partners. I point this out only because it is so amazing to me how quickly life can change. Yaya is now with Nick, the new love of her life and, well... I don't need to mention Jenn and her new love. She's made it very clear to her hood how happy she is!!! And, I am happy for them too. Love is an amazing thing. While I don't consider myself to be in love just yet, I will tell my new girlfriend how I feel about her, but I won't wait til tomorrow. I'll tell her today and I'll tell her on Feb 15th too....Life is too fragile to not look around and appreciate what/who you have, except on fabricated holidays.
Be well all, and Happy Valentine's Day.
In case it wasn't clear, my 2007 post is below....seems I was much more prolific back then. Oh well...
A Single Man's Lament
February 14. Ha! Its just a day, like any other. I've been there like most of you---the $95 rose-dozen, the frenetic trips to the card store, the list of "don't forgets"....While we can probably ALL agree that the commercialism of Valentine's Day leaves much to be desired, there is something to be said for this day. It does force one to reflect on the validity or foundation of their current relationships. I'm not posting this to argue the "point" of Valentine's Day.....I am a believer in the Valentine's spirit of a relationship, and that EVERY day should be Valentine's if you truly love someone....Why should today be the ONLY day you send flowers, you send a card, you take her out to dinner, you treat her nice, etc etc??? That's the silly part, in my opinion.....
Anyway, I'm not pining away for a woman, wishing for a relationship today. After all, I've chosen to be single for the moment, anyway. I'm comfortable in my singledom, as I have been for several years. I'm even O K with the new acquaintance that thought I was gay, simply because I didn't bring a date to the recent Holiday Ball. (Am I soooooo good looking that you assume I'm gay dumbass??? Let me take your hot little girlfriend for a spin and we'll see if you still think I'm gay! Bet she won't.....:) <----joking....take it easy.....I know its Valentine's Day!)
Have we become so desperate for companionship that we simply jump from relationship to relationship, intent on making the next one a longer term than the last? I'm speaking in generalities, of course, but.....look around you. Aren't the majority of your circle of friends either unhappy or unfulfilled in their existing relationships? Mine are, so I will speak for myself, mmmmkay? Why do they stay together? Insecurity is undoubtedly the root of most rationale, but I just can't justify dating someone for the sake of dating. Do we despise ourselves so much that we can't stand to be with ourselves?
Solitude is not frightening, at least for me. I like myself. I'm confident and strong enough to realize that just because I'm alone does not mean that I am not worthy of a relationship. Quite the contrary, actually.....
Still, I do crave the comfort, the urgency, the anticipation, the passion and desire of the mutually satisfying love. (sex post some other time, I promise....) This love cannot be created. You either have it or you don't. I think my Vox hood that does possess this---Dom and Jenn, Jess and Abram, Yaya and Chuck, Austin and the famous LSCB (please dont be offended if I left someone out)---would agree that true, pure, enduring love cannot be created. So, as I sit here, perfectly content, yet diametrically eager for the next Valentine's Day, I toast those that have it, and know they have it. Hold on to it and don't take it for granted for even one second. Its as rare and precious as a diamond, and far more valuable. So, tomorrow, on February 15, tell them that you love them and how much they mean to you. Drop them a note about how special they are and how empty your life would be without them...... Send them flowers...........YEAH, AGAIN ya cheapskate !!!! I bet it costs like half of what it cost you today anyway, Romeo. And, it will mean at least twice as much! I would shower all of those things on my love tomorrow---February 15---the day AFTER Valentine's Day; but I'm content in my singledom, remember? ;)
Fine print epilogue: this post was primarily intended to convince myself that I AM content in being single, even though I am. (huh? what what what?)
By the way, I slept with the dumbass' girlfriend after they broke up in December, and she is still calling me for some more of the Crushlove! But alas, love was not to be found in her arms. She still managed to round up a last minute relationship in time for V Day though. God forbid she be alone on THIS day!
I spent the last five days away from my Blackberry and laptop. I still had my cell phone, but used it infrequently and only made three work-related calls.
When I returned to "the real world", here's what was waiting for me:
255 emails, of which 26 were work related and 25 were personal. That leaves over 200 emails that were, what I would consider "non-critical" mailbox stuffers. Here's how the 205 remaining emails might be broken down:
89 Christmas shopping season/Black Friday sales/ Free Shipping offers WTF? I do shop online, but its mostly limited to Amazon, Ebay and Fetish.com. (just kidding about Fetish.com--not sure if it even exists, but if it does, I don't think I'd be ordering any dual-headed 18 inch mega-dildos to put under the tree this year....maybe next!)
14 Solicitations for online betting sites to wager on college bowl games Again, WTF? Do they really believe I would send them money electronically FROM MY FRICKIN BANK ACCOUNT??? I'm sure some people feel comfortable doing that. I don't.
6 from Vox alerting me to PMs or those silly "neighborhood alerts".
11 offers for Viagra and/or Cialis (I mean VViaGaRRA and SeeALiz) and 3 for various penis enlargement pumps/pills. I don't have the need for erectile dysfunction drugs and, Honey...if my seven inches of left hanging, full-on Irish fury ain't cuttin it for you, all I can do is apologize for the way the good Lord made me....I ain't puttin my fireman's hat in any type of suction pump for you or anyone else. ...No, not even for Christmas. The bits and pieces are naturally sensitive for a good reason. I prefer not to jeopardize years of future sexual pleasure for the extra quarter inch. And, what year is this anyway??? Cmon! A penis pump??? I can, however, be convinced to wrap the monster in a pretty red bow for you. I'll even shower with those peppermint flavored body mousses and make it look (and taste) like a candy cane! But, I ain't pumpin it for you. Sorry.
The majority of the remaining emails somehow managed to find the spam filter. Ha! What happened to the other ones listed above? An unknown company in Krakow, Poland wants me to put over $100 on my credit card for a polymer penis pump that might give me an extra centimeter for an hour or so somehow finds its way around the spam filter? Are you kidding me?
How we ever got along without the internet is an enigma to me, even though we ALL did without it until (relatively) recently. And, somehow my life has been just fine in the absence a penis pump or free shipping from screwtheonlineshopper dot com. Well, it was for the last five days anyway...
Happy Holidays all! May your trees overflow with gifts you really want and need, and your inboxes be full of well-wishers that you actually want to hear from. (and not so much from Penis Pole-land, Inc.)
Seriously and most importantly, may your Holidays find you surrounded by those that love you and those that you love. Peace!
As my one year Voxiversary approaches, I'm amazed at how quickly the year has passed. I've still got a couple of weeks before my actual one year mark, but with the recent Thanksgiving holiday and upcoming Christmas season, I'm feeling both introspective and retrospective.
I briefly glanced back at a few of my early posts--my first being about ecstacy (HDMA) and how I was 20 years older than the average x-dropper. I still find myself yearning to "roll" with a willing female partner, but apparently I've outgrown the x-demographic. I hadn't done ecstacy in 2-3 months prior to my very first Vox post, when I wrote about it in Dec 2006, and I still haven't, now some 12 months later. Its not from lack of desire to roll. (for those that might not be familiar w the lingo...thanks, Jay... rolling is just the verb associated with taking X. I suppose its somewhat descriptive, pertaining to the waves of intense physical rush/emotion/feeling that come and go.) I just don't travel in those circles, or meet ravers in my everyday life as a white collar guy and a loving, involved, devoted father who is more likely to attend a PTA meeting than a house rave. Weird, huh? If you're new to my Vox, please save your anti drug speech...I'm the type of person that will spend 3 months researching a drug before I spend one hour "enjoying" it. I am also keenly aware that my life is rewarding and satisfying enough that I don't need mind altering drugs to feel good about myself or my life.
One constant throughout the last year, has been my desire for continued anonymity. My clients and most relatives have no idea that I am the intensely sexual, rock n roll, pseudo-bohemian that I am. On the surface, I'm an active, fit, conservative (apolitically), together person that cares deeply for his family, country, community and environment. Make no mistake. I am those things. But, I can't imagine them knowing, or even considering that I listen to Lynyrd Skynryd, the Violent Femmes, the Killers et al; that I like to handcuff my blindfolded partner to the bedposts and eat her hoohaa until the sun comes up, or that I will smoke pot every now and again. I intend to keep it that way into my second Voxiversary and beyond. I'm a private person in real life, and it translates well onto Vox. Its pissed a handful of people off, as they assume I am hiding something or not who I say I am. In this day and age, I understand that. But does it make me a bad person to share those things with all of you Voxers, and hide it in real life? I don't think so. I know how judgemental people are, and so do you...I simply prefer not to deal with their judgementality.
After a month or two as a new Voxer, though, I began to let a handful of people into my "circle of trust". (That sounds so innane...) I let my guard down with a few people I felt a connection with. Some of them didn't work out too well. One or two I would chalk up to living and learning. A select few, I continue to call my friends. Granted, we may never meet, except in this crazy electron-based world that I am still not entirely comfortable with, but you know my name...you may even know what I look like. And, for one or two of you (you know who you are) I would literally give you the shirt off my back and feel you'd do the same for me.
As from the start, I try to keep my 'hood to a single page or perhaps two. I don't have the time or inclination to keep up with every detail of your lives. I'm sorry if that sounds cold, but most days I can't even manage the minutia of my own life, so how can I read about yours? Crucify me if you must. I guess that makes me a pretty crappy Vox neighbor, but I comment only when I feel that I have something beneficial, profound or witty to add to the conversation, much as I do in real life. And, I know what I have to say isn't always profound or witty, even though I may believe it is!
Nowadays, I find my posts to be far less creative and thoughtful than in the beginning. Perhaps I am posting for the sake of posting...something I said I would never do. I wrote a handful of verse--what might be considered poetry in the broad definition (VERY broad) in the early Vox days. It surprised me, as I have been more familiar with picking up a 60 pound dumbbell than a fountain pen. I also wrote a couple of expository entries. Now, it seems I've skewed my "average" post to some tidbit of pop culture. That, in and of itself, is quite fascinating to me, as I have a sincere disdain for most things deemed "popular". Not simply because they are popular, but because most people seem more interested in other's lives than their own. That will never be me. I make memories through my own human experience. And, my day will be just fine without knowing that J-Ho and Mark Anthony are having a baby...(and, yet, somehow, I DO know....DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!)
So, I feel a bit of remorse as I write this today. Where has my creativity gone? (Did I ever truly possess it?) What has become of the skeletons on my neighborhood list? Where did you go to Solitary, Wender Crinklebank and the lovely, but hopelessly self-absorbed Denise? And, then, there was Marque. She was the fiery ball of love and emotion that taught me it was not only ok to (((hug))) someone, but it frequently had a tangible effect on that person. I miss her bipolar rants and blatantly gratuitous sexual posts. Her Vox was always an experience...
My Vox? Well, it has been an experience too....Mine. I hope you've found something here--be it laughter, knowledge, wisdom (doubtful) or insight. But, if you haven't, that's ok. This Vox is for me and this past year has been strange and painful and wonderful and surprising and gratifying, all at the same time....just like MY life.
Meme for the Mature Amongst Us
Via Hops, who apparently took it from Bookmole. In light of the fact that I don't feel particularly creative these days, and my time and attention are elsewhere........
'To be completed by Mature Voxers who don't mind the silliness of surveys.' (And I still don't know wtf a meme is....)
What bill do you hate paying the most?
I'm going to reinforce the "mature" part of this quiz early on. I frequently feel mature in this Voxhood, anyway.....
I'm probably in the minority of Voxers who actually have (and pay for) life insurance. Many of you may have a work-supplied policy that you may not even know about. I pay a semiannual premium that I hate. I dont plan on dying just yet and I dont particularly care to confront the idea of my mortality as a thirtysomething, but I need to make sure my K is taken care of through her college years and beyond, should I depart the pattern earlier than anticipated. By the way, I'm worth significantly more dead than alive. Good thing I'm not married or I might end up on one of those Forensic Files shows.
Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
My place. Your place. Fireplace. Anyplace.
Have you ever got drunk and danced on a bar?
Its going back a ways now, but yes....too frequently to count. I guess the most interesting part about this would be the locales I've been lucky enough to visit and graced the bartops with my Travolta impression--- Sevilla Spain, Reykjavik Iceland, Rome, Santiago Chile, Amsterdam to name a few. I do a mean 'Greased Lightning' with the proper motivation. (read: liquor)
Name of your first grade teacher?
Wish I could recall.... I think her name was Mrs. Smith, which might explain why I dont really remember. I know she had a bouffant hairdo and smelled of old lady perfume. Ack!
What do you really want to be doing right now?
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pilot--since as long as I can remember. I achieved that when I was 23. I'm a big boy now! All growed up, but still a kid at heart.....still 23 and indestructible, in my mind. Now if I could just get my body to believe it.....
How many colleges did you attend?
One, and I actually graduamated on time! (and never moved back home either!) My parents had it waaaaaay too easy.
Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Because I look hot???? I dont know---it was the first thing I saw this morning......
Here's a better answer: I'm not wearing a shirt! I ripped it off with one hand, hurling mother of pearl buttons in every direction. My breath is heavy and I'm sitting in my office on the phone while I'm playing with my nipples. Good?
GAS PRICES! First thought?
Just like every other woe and grief in the world, its all George's fault, right?????. Really, I could care less. I gotta get from point A to point B and if my tank aint full, I aint gettin there.
If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would you go?
Anywhere but here....isnt that usually the case? Somehow I doubt that would be my answer, though, if I were Down Unda or Italy or some Caribbean locale.
First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Last thought before going to sleep last night?
I was grateful for another beautiful day and the many things I possess in my life. ( if you think I'm talking about material things, you have no idea what makes Crush tick.)
....That and , oh yeah, "I really should have gone to bed about 3 hours ago!" was another thought in between being grateful! :)
Favorite style of underwear?
boxers only. I prefer the athletic cut cotton Calvins to the loose fitting ones, but I have a few of those as well. I also have a couple of pairs of silk boxers, but they dont work so well with clothes on over them....kinda defeats the purpose of boxers methinks.
Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
What errand/chore do you despise?
Bathing. <----(that's a joke)
If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
Yes... I'd fly for Angel Flight America. look here.
Get up early or sleep in?
I'm not a morning person. Never have been, never will be, but sleeping in is an all too rare treat.
What is your favorite cartoon character?
I'm not a big cartoon fan, but Homer Simpson is usually good for a mindless, uncouth laugh. He embodies all that women dislike about us, magnified by a power of 3 or 4. Beavis and Butthead were mindless and laughable. South Park is usually good for a laugh too. Usually.....
Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl?
umuuummmmm....sorrrrrry...what? I dont understand......that makes no sense to me. Can you repeat the question?
A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
I'm a registered independent. Always will be. I am of the unpopular opinion that those with party affiliations are more concerned with putting their party in power than they are with the actual issues, candidates, what's best for the populus, etc. If this doesnt apply to you---fine---I'm not talking to you, mmmkay?....Im referring to the other 20 million mindless people that have no idea what their party stands for.
When did you first start feeling old?
I occassionally like to club and will infrequently partake of drugs, but never abuse them. I enjoy it, and life is too short to not enjoy. Condemn me or judge me if you must, but I'm still one of the 'most together' people I know. I usually feel young until I meet a hottie that turns out to be like 8 years older than my daughter......Whoops. Oh shit! Now THAT is scary! So much for feeling young.....
Favorite 80's movie?
Caddyshack, Topgun or Ferris Beuller's Day Off. An often overlooked part of Topgun is the flight footage over the California and Nevada deserts. The real pilots were quite skilled.....always makes the hair on arms stand up. By the way, Tom Cruise didn't really fly that F-14, ok Sparky?
Your favorite lunch meat?
Boar's Head Spicy Turkey. I think its called Salsa Turkey. Great, lean stuff.
Beach or lake?
Actually, it doesn't really depend, now that I give it some thought.... Beach.
Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
On that day of the month that I am writing out that hefty alimony check, yes, I do. The other 29 days? Nah, but I know I wont do it again unless I am 100% positive. Btw, I was about 99% sure the first time.....but did have a twinge of doubt that was ultimately realized. No regrets though. My K is the beautiful product of that failed marriage and I wouldn't change a thing.
Who do you stalk on MySpace?
I'm either proud or embarrassed to admit that I've never tread the electronic medium of MySpace.
Favorite guilty pleasure?
Vegas...... Once a year, every year.
Who from high school would you like to run into?
I still keep in touch with a handful of buds, all these years later. I would like to see the new hockey coach that cut me from the Varsity squad as a sophomore even though I played Varsity as a freshman. I led the league in my junior year and made him look like a frickin idiot. I dont harbor any resentment though...can u tell????
What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
I rarely listen to the radio unless my CD/MP3 player is inop. Radio is soooooo bougeoisie...... ;)
The Cosby Show or The Simpson's?
Simpson's (unless its the Cosby episode where Cliff is being duped by one of his kids and wearing an absolutely crazy sweater that looked like it was made in a 7th grade sewing class.....oh wait.......that was EVERY episode.....)
Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
I've made many along the way. I'd like to think thats what makes me of such good character now. I make a great relationship partner. I've learned from each mistake I made and rarely make them a second time.
Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Yes. He's the greenskeeper at the local golf club. :) No one sits across from me.
What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Chuck Yeager
What famous person would you like to sleep with?
That's a tough one......I'm not smitten with any celebs, since most seem to be vapid. I just don't understand America's fascination with celebrity. Aren't our lives interesting enough to spend the time creating our own memories than watching Inside Edition or reading People??? I could care less what the Hollywood set is up to, but there are some beautiful people I think are sexy in a purely physical way. To me, sexy is about so much more. Am I reading a little too much into this???? Alessandra Ambrosio may be my ultimate current crush. grrrrrrr. I'd hurt her. She'd walk bow legged for weeks.....perhaps permanently. She would tire of me quickly cuz I wouldn't let her up for air. Charlize Theron also comes to mind. I dont know anything about her personally, but she seems to exude sexuality. I've got eclectic tastes in women (and music and most everything else as well.....) Physically attractive to me also: Alyssa Milano, Brooke Burke and Liz Phair. One thing in common to all: long hair. That's not a coincidence.
Ever felt like running over a pedestrian?
Only if Bill Buckner was in the crosswalk. I know it was 1986, but I'll never get over this.....
Cue the Stuart Smalley music, and insert tongue firmly in cheek:
I am intelligent, honest, benevolent, witty, caring, sensitive, financially secure and handsome. I am Zeus incarnate, as if torn from a page of mythology and chiseled by Pygmalion himself. While possessing all of these qualities, I'm also a great, imaginative and giving lover as well. That is perhaps, the greatest of my attributes.
*modesty is a close second* ;)
Essentially, I am the shit, with the glutes of Michelangelo's David.
But, alas, as (near) perfect as I may be, fate has cursed me and I do have a flaw (yes, I said A , as in single flaw)......
I...I...Oh, this is hard for me......
I......I........*deep breath followed by a weighty sigh*
Dammit......
I HAVE A GAP BETWEEN MY TWO FRONT TEETH !!!!
uncontrollable weeping, hands covering the cavernous, hideous chasm between my top two incisors
violins play, sounds of sniffling. grab a Kleenex and weep with me if it makes you feel better....
Ok, I've managed to compose myself after leaving this post for about 40 minutes and sipping some MacCallan 18 year old single malt. I guess I can talk about this now....My teeth are otherwise a portrait of porcelain perfection---straight, pearly. They conjure up thoughts of the old White Brite commericals with the sexually charged woman running her tongue across her teeth and mmmmmmmmm - ing.
I don't know what the medical/dental term is for it or if such term even exists, but modern day examples are David Letterman, Madonna and Eddie Murphy.
I had it fixed cosmetically once, when I was about 12 or 13 when I called it the Cumberland Gap. **Thank you. I do a third show at 11:45!** ;) I was the poster child for pubescent awkwardness but, being vain even then, asked my family dentist to fix it. He did the best he could with the early 1980's "dental bondo" that was the dental industry standard then, but it was a hack job and lasted about 3 weeks until I went for a header on the soccer field and got a face full of some other gangly pubescent kid's cranium upside my jaw. I spat bondo for days after that. In the end, I was left with the Grand Canyon between #8 and #9 (that's for you dental students and DMD's out there).
Fast forward 20 some odd years and here I am....whistling Dixie without even tryin. (that's so embarassing!) Its the bane of my existence, my Achilles heel, my garbage chute on the Deathstar, my Yoko.
You could drive a frickin double decker bus (Hey Jodi!) through this thing and still have room for dessert. (which often ends up in my dinner companions' plate clear across the table when we try to have a conversation while eating it.....) <----that's because of the space.....you see.....cuz its big? ....and food tends to......well....squeeze through....you know? Well, all except pudding, which just kinda builds up surface tension to only make it to the flower arrangement placed in the center of the table. Underrated dessert option, pudding is, no?
Some women say its a cute affectation. Others say it is indeed vanity that forces me to take notice, and they don't know "the gap" (as it will be effectionately referred to for the remainder of this post) is there unless I bring attention to it---much like I am now!!!! ;) I've heard that those with a space between their top teeth are excellent lovers---I'm not making that up---I've really heard that---but maybe I've only heard that because I HAVE a gap.......Doh!.......cursing under my breath, as an almost inaudible chirp passes through the word 'assssshole'......Go ahead, do it.... I'll wait. Try to whistle while you say something that has an ess in the middle (preferably a swear word--asshole works nicely, but you could also use bastard or pussy or ballsack). Go on..........
Anyway, with all kidding aside (which is hard to do because I'm on my 3rd glass of single malt, juuuuuuust in case you couldn't tell) I was wondering what women really see when they look at me, or let's say, a guy's face in general. What strikes you first? The chin, hair, eyes, nose, teeth??? First impressions play a huge role in the business world and in the sexual jungle we find ourselves in when seeking a mate. (beating chest, in Tarzan voice: Me, Crush! You........You....Ms. Crush or the future ex- Mrs. Crush?????)
I want honest answers here, and don't be a pussy! (can you even call a woman that?) If you'd be inclined to be turned off by a slightly crooked nose---perhaps broken in a Varsity soccer game so many years ago, or an ear that might be a bit lower than the other (huh?) or a gap toothed Alfred E Newman, I want to know! (Old Al was cute, wasn't he??? WASNT HE???)
I'll just be sitting here inadvertantly whistling Dixie, eagerly awaiting your answers!
:} <----purposely entered bracket instead of parenthesis to highlight gap!
All kidding aside, I'm nowhere near as vain as I sound. I'm actually quite humble considering that I AM IN FACT THE SHIT!
Comments
Good for you! I honestly can't remember the last time I was single. It's not that I ever stuck around with someone because I didn't want to be alone, I just had a waiting list. Back in the day. ;)
Besides, like I've said before, feeling alone when with someone is much worse than just being alone. Not too mention a much bigger waste of time and heart.
And I want a sex post now! Damn it.
anyway happy valentine's day!
I was too busy finalizing the details of my divorce today to worry about the hallmark holiday and to lament the non-existance of current love... or even the mourn the loss of past love. It was just another day for me (however I did wear red... but I wear red damn near everyday, so that means nothing).
I like your stand on it though... and even more... I love the fine print :)
thank you for validating my 4-month-relationship policy. It is not a policy I intentionally created; it just so happens that around month cuatro I begin to see the light and realize mr. right is mr. dumbass. Thus I am hurdled into a another year of "just hops". I love my independence. It's so flippin easy and fun to be alone (if you know how to spoil yourself). but you still get lonely. you just learn to deal.
on the other hand, maybe I just get lazy. I've heard relationships involve work. Is that true?
btw - who is the dumbass's girlfriend? haven't heard about that one yet...
I like the way you think.
And for "hops" - it's true - relationships worth working for are, in my experience, the only ones worth keeping. If after 4 months your guy looks like a huge dumb-ass to you, that relationship is probably not worth the work it would require to keep it going. It has to be mutual and the work might be painful, but the rewards are incredible!
Thanks, again, Crush.
Big love,
Lara (and I'm directing Jonny to read your post!)
You cannot send the flowers on February 15 without looking like you were holding out for the "Day After Valentine's Day Clearance Sale" on half-dead roses. Get real - we women are not that stupid. However, if you wait for a decent interval - say, daffodils in March, or a nice blooming hyacinth - or jump the gun and send flowers on January 15, you're good to go. You're absolutely right, because not every other girl at the office will have a big bouquet of obligatory floral devotion developed to her cube at the same time. (Okay, so my husband handed me an armload of red roses even before I woke up, and served me "breakfast in bed" - chocolate-covered strawberries from Godiva - before heading off to work. It was lovely. BUT... our "date night" is this Friday, when we can stay out late without worrying about work the next day, and can simply enjoy each other's company without all the frenzy of booking a table on THE BIG V-DAY! Eeek!)
Yeah. Of course, we've been married almost 23 years now. If every day weren't Valentine's Day, and he tried to pull the whole flowers-and-candy-and-cards-and-lovey-dovey thing just ONE DAY A YEAR, I'd suspect something and probably punch him in the gut and stomp on his cardboard candy heart. Then again... we've got that "cannot be created" kind of love. I'd never stomp on his heart. ;)
Holly,
I clearly said flowers on V Day AND Feb 15th! That was my whole point! The $95 roses come with the territory. The true spirit of V Day is the OTHER 364 days, right?
So... yeah... it's nice to hear a guy's perspective, not only on V-day schmaltziness but also on the singledom aspect. At the risk of totally offending my dear Crush, this reminded me of a male Carrie Bradshaw piece (and I mean that in the best way possible).
See?!?
And THERE is a real manly man - Chris Noth as 'BIG'. Sophisticated, well-groomed, yet very masculine in every way. Mmm hmmm. Sweet dreams for me tonight.
If you really want to impress a woman on a special day... any day... prepare a nice meal with candlelight. Put on some beautiful music, take her in your arms, hold her close, dance slowly while whispering softly what she means to you. Forget the $95... forget the perfect roses... forget the cheesy card... forget the extravagant meal. Keep it simple and from the heart.
awww...thanks so much for including us in your post!
the grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? I don't even know what it's like to be single!
hope you had a great valentines day otherwise but i agree with you, it's such a hallmark holiday.
I know I am VERY belated ~~ but just getting back into the swing of blogging!
I LOVED your post! I agree with you whole-heartedly! I want companionship and sex but I NEED to be alone most of the time! I like, trust and know myself. A dear friend once told me -- "It's better to be single and wish you were married than to be married and wish you were single." (or attached in another way besides actually being married - but you get the point)
I like that there's such a thing as Friends with Benefits these days! When I was in my 20's that wasn't an option so "good girls" were either married, in a committed relationship or celibate. (while their other half was most likely poking around the "naughty girls")
Ah...to know what I know now back then....